Adult Teething

The Little Piggy is teething. It's a joyous time for all of us. Sleepless nights, the endless stuffy nose and drool to fill a swimming pool. All a lot of fun. We go through about 15 bibs a day... now I know why everyone gave us so many bibs before she was born. My favorite part are the teething cookies. They look all unassuming with their hard composition and yummy flavor. Finally something that won't break up in large chunks so there are no worries that she'll choke on it. I get her prepped with one of those ultimate bibs with plastic on one side, roll up her sleeves, wipe her nose and place her in the high chair. I put the cookie down in front of her and she picks it up right away. Yey! Now I can wash the dishes!

5 minutes go by. My back is too her so I take a glance back to see how she's doing. I scream "Ahhh!!" where'd the baby go!?! My brain working double-time to figure out what creature has taken her place in the highchair. Then I notice earrings and possibly something that resembles a hand. Then two little eyes peek out and a shrill "eeeekkk" comes out of something that looks like a mouth. It's her! The baby is covered with cookie from head to toe! The Little Piggy is very happy, she's singing "la, la, la, la" while she sprays me with cookie.

I stop the dish washing to inspect the damage. Covering her face, hands and arms, hidden in her neck, used to style her hair, tucked into her ears, up her nose. Yes, she hasn't missed a spot. Good girl!

I wash her down as much as I can as she shakes her head to avoid me. It's an art; washing her down. Or maybe it's more of a skill. Like a video game where you have to hit two buttons at once while you move the controller to get the guy to jump and shoot at the same time.

You have to get the hands and the table clean almost at the same time while washing the face. Otherwise the hands touch the table and then go right to the face. You can get the hair, neck and arms later. They're out of the initial impact zone. I clean her up as much as I can and then I pick her up.

She ever so lovingly hugs me and pulls me close. I say "awww, did you like the cookie?" As if to tell me yes, she snuggles my shoulder and then suddenly, before I could even think, she opens her mouth and starts singing and spraying into my shoulder! Snots, cookie and saliva all coat my sleeve with such fine precision. I have just enough time to think "now I know why I'm not that trendy mom with the cool clothes" before she wipes her hand across her face and grabs onto my hair cooing and petting me with cookie.

Oh it was terrible fun and after all of this, she still doesn't have any teeth! This enjoyable weekend got me thinking... What if adults went through teething? I don't mean just some of us, I mean all of us. Imagine at around 30 years old, people started drooling, spitting, whining. Adult bibs would be the in thing and I wouldn't have to worry about messing up my clothes as everyone would have messy clothes. The news highlights would say "Neighbors were woken up by a man covered in teething cookie shrieking at the top of his lungs. Police were called in and found John Doe had killed his wife Jane Doe by smothering her with a teething cookie. When asked why he did it, John explained that they were both teething and in terrible pain. She wouldn't give him the cookie so he killed her with it and then took it from her." There would be laws on the books that said that teething cookies were illegal. There would be an underground crime ring that imported teething cookies from some third world country. The government would quarantine anyone that was teething and only release them when their teeth came out. It would be pretty horrible.

Well, I think you get the picture. If you ever need a teething cookie, just let me know. We have 3 boxes at home.

-s